Irrational Idea No. 10:

"You should feel very concerned about the problems and disruptions of others"

Alternative given by Ellis: The problems of others often have little or nothing to do with us and there is no reason why we should be concerned about them. While others perform behaviours that trouble us, our anger does not come from their behaviour but what we tell ourselves. As much as we do not like the behaviour of others, this probably will not change, we must accept that we do not have the power to change others. And just in case we succeed, we have paid a high price with our distress and we must seek other less destructive ways of trying, without getting upset, others should correct their mistakes. The involved in the problems of others is often used as a subtle excuse for not addressing our own problems.

You must ask yourself if it is really worth worrying about the behaviour of others, and should be of interest only when you worry enough, when you think you can help change or that your guidance can be really helpful. When those that concern you are acting wrongly, you should not worry about their behaviour and make them see their errors calm and objective manner. If you cannot eliminate other self-destructive behaviour, you should at least not be angry with yourself for not get it and give ideas to improve the situation.

Some activities that may be helpful to overcome the issue:

The first thing that we need to do in this specific case, is to ask yourself those questions:

 Which are your probes to say that you made that action in the wrong way?

 In which actions do you base on to say that?

 What is the probability of that girl feeling hurt by your attitude?

What is the main problem that makes you think that you are the one who needs to change? Why do you feel like that?

What does it make you feel: controlled or uncontrolled?

After answering those questions with reflection we need to think what has happened rationally and how we can keep going without feeling insecure about our good performance. It is vital to realise that we do not have any power with other people’s problems and the fact that we blame ourselves about affecting them is not going to help. We tend to think that other human beings need to be polite and fair towards us, and when they are not we feel sad and keep castigating our behaviour. In this particular case, even doubting about your own professionalism, which is far beyond the reality.

Worrying requires a serious deep analyse in order to realise how important those preoccupations are:

It is true that most of the fears that we experience are the ones we have created on our own and they have not even happened in the real life, is just part of the mental story creation which is super powerful; as a consequence those worries become monsters we build in our own mind. So one main question that you need to ask yourself, so that you can be more objective with the reality is:

How many of the things I feared would happen in my life did actually happen?

Most of the time, when we think that we have hurt someone else´s feelings we tend to exaggerate and develop in our mind; to solve this problem, if you genuinely feel like is part of your personality and you need to have this concluded because it makes you feel better, then one of the solutions it can be to talk with the person that you had the trouble with, promoting openness in your relationship avoiding contention.

There is a tip that you can also practice with worries. Most of the time they come up right when we are in bed about to go to sleep, not letting us to get a decent sleep. For those situations there is a conscious exercise that we can proceed: Catch the thought as quickly as possible and say to yourself: “No, is not the right time to think about this, I will think about it when I have had a proper sleep, I have eaten and when my brain can function”. Working on this activity can make your life much easier.

It can also be helpful to talk with someone else and let the worry come out so you can hear yourself taking about the situation, perhaps you may get to the solution on your own while you are saying out loud and the only thing you need is to be listened. Moreover, the listener may contribute, giving you another perspective which may be helpful.