IRRATIONAL BELIEF NO. 5

“The idea that human unhappiness is externally caused and that people have little or no ability to control their sorrows and disturbances”.

Ellis’s alternative: Other people can’t harm you unless they beat you or rob you. But those things don’t happen very often. If someone abuses you or calls you names, it’s not their words that upset you; it’s your words. You might think they’re harming you, but really it is what you tell yourself that causes your pain.

When dealing with respecting oneself starts from creating boundaries between what you accept from others and what it is not acceptable. You need to know what you want and then talk with the corresponded person, for example saying this type of sentences: “ I am no longer giving you permission to speak to me in that manner, and if that continues to happen , I will….”.

Many people usually keep behaving that way because they do not get any consequence and therefore they think that they can keep hurting others.  Creating a consequence is crucial and do not leave it in the air, in this way creating a boundary, the one that can be communicated with respect and compassion. If I am feeling pain, I am no longer going to permit, facilitate or deny it. The best ways to overcome those feeling is to deal with them and try to do something about it, once the process has been started, the healing will begin naturally. Eventually we get more aware of those situations and react as soon as we notice them.

Advice: 95% of Your Pain Is Caused By Your Own Stupidity

 "It is a simple rule that says 95% of your pain and troubles are caused by your own stupidity." 

It is vital to realise when our setbacks are caused by our own evaluation of the situation, once we have done that mental process it helps us to be more creative to solve the problem because you know that you have a lot to do with it and it is not others job to solve it for you. The worst way we can acknowledge what is going on is by reacting or overreacting and making things worse so we need to be extra careful with this and analyse the situation when we are calm.

Whenever we are challenged, your mind accords on its primitive response (fight or flight) and blood flow leaves the brain and moves to large muscle groups, directed by adrenaline. Therefore, you tend to focus on risks,  your respiring gets rapid and tries to protect you.

Knowing this theory, we can see that in those situations we cannot see the big picture of what has happened and we are likely to respond in the wrong manner rather than constructive so is better to leave it and have a deep reflection about what has happened. So once you have applied the 95% rule and recognized your own input, you are able to retake control and restart yourself in order to behave in a healthier way.

This rule is very applicable to many situation given in everyday life, it helps you to realise that it was something that you did or did not add to the situation therefore, getting straight-away to problem-solving mode rather than complaining.