List of assertive rights

We have the right to

1. Be treated with respect and dignity.

 2. Make mistakes and take responsibility for them.

3. To express our opinions, beliefs and emotions and change our mind.

 4.  To evaluate our needs as primordial, as well as the needs of others.

5. To judge for ourselves our behavior, thoughts and emotions but also to take responsibility for the consequences.

 6. To failure, we do not have to  provide reasons to justify our behavior.

7. To  be independent from the will of others and even to show our disagreement.

 8. To say: "I do not understand" and above all,  to have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty.

9. To decide what to do with our body, time and properties.

10. To be happy.

11. To ask for information and to get it. 

12. To get what I paid for.

13. Not to be assertive

14.  To get success

15. To enjoy and have fun

16.To take a rest, to isolate by being assertive.

17. To improve myself, even by leading other people.

Learning how to not fight with other people. 5 irrational belief

An essential part of the human strength are relationships. Learning how to deal with others' shortcomings make easier relationships and for that, we had better learn how to do that,  instead of dwelling on being hypersensitive and childish.

We are too sensitive towards others'  neuroticism, but,  people who are really happy and strong,  never fight with others. They do not waste their time or their energy by fighting with others. They live focusing on their life projects, so , they do not become bothered if other people are cursing or making inappropriate comments about them. However, when we are neurotic, get hung up, and paranoid ,  we  act protecting ourselves from those who could us cause offend. Many times, as a result of this situation we end up isolating from others, and  thinking that  people are a hell. Losing such over-sensitiveness is crucial .

You can offend me.

Rafael Santandreu suggests  his patients think  about  the  “situation of disrespectful beggar”.  Let us imagine that we are walking on the street and all of a sudden from the opposite sidewalk a drunk beggar starts insulting us. What will we do? Surely, we would think he is a poor man who needs medical help and would not become hurt by him. In the case of other people,  the way is the same:  whoever offend could  come from, insults  do not have to shake us, because any mistreat comes from insanity and must be understood as a signal of madness.  Offends, verbal mistreats, respect… are issues  frequently misunderstood, even among psychologists. How many times an insult spoilt us the day? Avoiding this is essential.

Mental strategies for that are:

·        To understand other people´s insanity

·        To build a strong self-esteem

·        To create fluent and easy ways of communication so that we can influence other people

·        And sometimes, reasonably learn  to  drift apart from the insane .

THE LAB: DECOY - A portrait session with a twist

This experiment acts as a reminder to you that you need to be careful about what you listen to and digest when people talk about someone else. Because what they say will shape how you think of them. And those thoughts can sometimes be untrue, so before you judge someone give them the chance to tell you their own story because often it will be different to the one you have heard.

IRRATIONAL BELIEF NO. 5

“The idea that human unhappiness is externally caused and that people have little or no ability to control their sorrows and disturbances”.

Ellis’s alternative: Other people can’t harm you unless they beat you or rob you. But those things don’t happen very often. If someone abuses you or calls you names, it’s not their words that upset you; it’s your words. You might think they’re harming you, but really it is what you tell yourself that causes your pain.

When dealing with respecting oneself starts from creating boundaries between what you accept from others and what it is not acceptable. You need to know what you want and then talk with the corresponded person, for example saying this type of sentences: “ I am no longer giving you permission to speak to me in that manner, and if that continues to happen , I will….”.

Many people usually keep behaving that way because they do not get any consequence and therefore they think that they can keep hurting others.  Creating a consequence is crucial and do not leave it in the air, in this way creating a boundary, the one that can be communicated with respect and compassion. If I am feeling pain, I am no longer going to permit, facilitate or deny it. The best ways to overcome those feeling is to deal with them and try to do something about it, once the process has been started, the healing will begin naturally. Eventually we get more aware of those situations and react as soon as we notice them.

Advice: 95% of Your Pain Is Caused By Your Own Stupidity

 "It is a simple rule that says 95% of your pain and troubles are caused by your own stupidity." 

It is vital to realise when our setbacks are caused by our own evaluation of the situation, once we have done that mental process it helps us to be more creative to solve the problem because you know that you have a lot to do with it and it is not others job to solve it for you. The worst way we can acknowledge what is going on is by reacting or overreacting and making things worse so we need to be extra careful with this and analyse the situation when we are calm.

Whenever we are challenged, your mind accords on its primitive response (fight or flight) and blood flow leaves the brain and moves to large muscle groups, directed by adrenaline. Therefore, you tend to focus on risks,  your respiring gets rapid and tries to protect you.

Knowing this theory, we can see that in those situations we cannot see the big picture of what has happened and we are likely to respond in the wrong manner rather than constructive so is better to leave it and have a deep reflection about what has happened. So once you have applied the 95% rule and recognized your own input, you are able to retake control and restart yourself in order to behave in a healthier way.

This rule is very applicable to many situation given in everyday life, it helps you to realise that it was something that you did or did not add to the situation therefore, getting straight-away to problem-solving mode rather than complaining.

Negatives and appropriate and inappropriate emotions according to REBT

Worry vs anxiety

Worry is an emotion related to the belief “ I hope that  this will not happen, and it will be  bad luck if happens “. Whereas, anxiety appears when the person believes that “ this might  happen and if so,  it would be horrible”.

Sadness vs depression

It is thought that sadness appears when a person believes that “ I have been unlucky because of having suffered this loss, but there is no  reason for why this should not have happened ”. However, depression is related to this belief: “ I should not have suffered this loss, and it is terrible that it has been happened the way it was”.

Pain vs culpability

Pain feelings appear when a person recognises that he or she has done something bad in public or privately, but he or she accepts him and herself as a human who can make mistakes. Person feels bad because of commited act but not because of him or herself while the individual thinks: “ I would rather I did not  things bad, but if it happens “bad luck”. A person feels guilty when people jugde themselves as bad, wicked, rotten or malign. In this case, people feel bad either because of their acts or because of themselves, as they think: “ I must not do things bad, and if it happens I am horrible and wicked”.

Disappointment vs shame/ embarrassment

A person feels disappointed when behaves “in a stupid way” in public, and although  it is recognised this act as a stupid, people accept themselves. However, a person feels ashamed when she or he can see that behavior has been “stupid” and person put the blame on her or himself for doing something it has not been done. On feeling shame or embarrassment person usually foresees that audience will judge him or she negatively, and in this case it is common to agree with these prejudgments.

Annoyance vs anger /rage

Annoyance is felt when a person does not take into account a rule of life of an individual. Although  one  does not like the fact that other person did, he or she is not  condemned by others. “ I do not like what this person did, and I would rather it had happened, but this does not mean that he or she can break my rules”. However, in the case of the anger the person thinks that the other person canot break at all his or her rules and because of that, he or she is damned. 

Learned helpness, toxic information , mindfulness and 9 irrational idea.

Learned helpessness ( this issue deserves a large article, but let´s leave it for another time. However, the experiment shows how we are lead to believe some misinformation about ourselves that are self-destructive and unhealthy. To learn more click on the link)

Unfortunately, we all have these kind of  toxic information in our brain and our experience is the outcome of this information. The brain cannot stop working and at the beginning of our lives it has a great deal of capacity to learn and memorize. Because of that ,  we were and are able to store loads of information, but, not only the amount of this information is important, quality also has a say in this.
Our brain has some preinstalled errors as a result of its own design and configuration. In this way, perception and memory mistakes are well known. Apart from that, it is unquestionable that we can learn loads of errors, that is, wrong, false, and toxic information that can be the reason of our problems. In  this issue, environment  has a really important role.  According to Michael Merzenich, our abilities and strengths are shaped in part by our environment.
Thus, some unhealthy and self-destructive behaviors are the result of patterns learnt and reinforced, for example, at school. For instance, in one hand, we might learn how to summit to authority, the unthinking adherence to certain customs, to be pessimistic, to avoid problems instead of facing them, or to think that we do not deserve anything good. On the other hand, we might have been punished on showing  some beneficial  behaviors, such us, curiosity, independence, feel worthwhile, or speak frankly.
Our culture and environment is plenty of some wrong information that do not match with real facts of observation, and that could make us feel bad.
"You cannot be independent, you have to follow the track of people who are better than you", "You cannot learn by yourself", "Your thoughts and your feelings are wrong". " Compare yourself with your sister, your mentor, your teacher, your classmate, your tutor". Can you recognize yourself in these statements?. Your brain is infected by these information by years of exposure to them. By years of exposure we did not need.
So, wherever it comes from, learning wrong information, it is the source of the majority of our emotional pain, and suffering, and it works as an inner "mobbing".

Emotions are answers of our central nerve system that are triggered by some  relevant stimulus needed to survival. There is an tight link  between emotions and memory. Emotions foster the learning as they increase the activity of the neuronal pathways and reinforce their  connections. Those information that have been impressed by an emotion, last in a deep and long term way in our memory, and to make things worse and better, it depends, they are more available.

The neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga reminds us that emotional events tend to turn into recurring memories.

Looking for control

How can we remove these information from our brain?
Some studies found that attempts to remove negative thoughts or feeling have just caused the opposite effect, or even increase its frequency and intensity.
We cannot switch off our brain, neither  erase by the force of our will these learned patterns   nor  invert the process by which we learnt them.
But we can train ourselves to avoid these information damage us anymore. We cannot stop the wages but we can surf them.
Our brain thinks in any moment that our thoughts and the content of our conscience is real. We become fuse with these contents, we identify ourselves with our thoughts and our experiences.
The fundamental change comes from hand of the out-centering strategy.
We can become aware of these automatic thoughts and they can be seem as mere temporary feelings. The practice of pay attention to these contents of the conscience is the central axis of the mindfulness During the practice of full attention we can develop a kind of new mind condition. By watching ourselves from the outside we can disconnect from this automaticity. Therefore, our brain can learn that this idea is not threatening  and do not give it any resource, and as consequence it will disappear. It works as if this information would be only an outcome of our brain instead of reality, and as this information does not disturb us, our brain  does not  register it  as a threat . As our brain is a specialist in registering menaces, if  it does not give  any importance to the idea ,  it just will  disappear. The information which is not important will not be recalled, and because of that, it will become less and less available to our memory.
It will take us a great deal of practice and time, but the reward is, without any doubt powerful.
When we feel safe  from  this misinformation, will give us more probability to address and to define our real goals. No matter how loudly our old voices and recordings can shout , we will able to  go forward in spite of their yells.

ACTIVITY: SEARCHING IRRATIONAL MISBELIEFS 

(Naia's 2nd case)

Believe that I may not be a good teacher due to my insecuruties that follow me from the past

B DISCUSION OF THESE MISBELIEFS

this misbelief is self-destructive. The proofs that those misbeliefs exist are in my head, the fact that I keep going back to my past and feel weak and vulnerable. I don't know if they are fully consistent yet, they are fears that are stuck in my head. I hope it is not logic and is just a fear that I will overcome eventually when I focus more on good results rather than taking personally any comment. It is not nice to have this thoughts in my head, however, it is bearable because I want to believe that I will be a great teacher in the future.

C CONSEQUENCES

I guess the most harmful emotions is frustration and blame.

RATIONAL BELIEFS

I feel insecure due to my lack of experience and lack of certain attitudes too but that can be changed.

E  NEW EFFECT

Worry is the new effect because I do not know if I am definitely going to be able to overcome my fears.

Cognitive discussion 2

A IRRATIONAL MISBELIEFS

To identify irrational misbelifs, try to find:

·        Dogmatic demands                                                                  

Imposition, absolutism, duties                                                

·        Dramatic ways                                                                           

It is horrible, it is terrible,

it is atrocious

·        Low tolerance to frustation

I cannot stand it

·        Judgements about  one´s self and others

I am wicked, useless

B DISCUSION OF THESE MISBELIEFS

to discuss ask yourself

·        where does bring me this misbelief? Is it useful? Or self-destructive?

·        What are the proofs that my misbelief does exist? Are these consistent with reality?

·        It is logic my belief? Is it one of my favourites?

·        Is it really atrocious , the worst it could happen?

·        Is it really unbearable for me?

C CONSEQUENCES

Main harmful negative and unhealthy emotions Main selfdestructive behaviours

The harmful negative and unhealthy emotions include:

·        Anxiety,

·        depression,

·        rage,

·        low tolerance to frustation,

·        shame,

·        pain,

·        jelousy,

·        blame

RATIONAL BELIEFS

To enable yourself to think more rationally pay attention to:

·        NO DOGMATIC PREFERENCES

Wishes, needs, desires

·        EVALUATE THE NEGATIVE

That is negative, unlucky

·        HIGH TOLERANCE TO FRUSTATION

I do not like it, but I can stand it

·        DO NOT  JUGDE GLOBALLY NEITHER ONE´S SELF NOR OTHERS

Me and the other are fallible human beings

E  NEW EFFECT

NEW HEALTHY NEGATIVE  EMOTIONS NEW CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR

The healthy negative emotions include:

·        Dissapoinment,

·        worry,

·        anger,

·        sadness,

·        regret,

·        frustration

An inspiring TED talk, really worth it!

Irrational Idea No. 5: The idea that human unhappiness is externally caused and that people have little or no ability to control their sorrows and disturbances.

Other people can’t harm you unless they beat you up or rob you. But those things don’t happen very often. If someone abuses you or calls you names, it’s not their words that upset you; it’s your words. You might think they’re harming you, but really it is what you tell yourself that causes your pain.

Irrational Idea No. 9: The idea that one’s past history is an all-important determiner of one’s present behavior and that because something once strongly affected one’s life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.

Just because something once had a big effect on your life, doesn’t mean it will always have that effect.

In the future, you will look back at today as being part of your past. By changing yourself today, you will be able to have a better future.

Cognitive distortion: Emotional reasoning

                                                             

ACTIVATING EVENT

Despite all the enthusiasm that I have in the present to become an English teacher in the future, I still have many insecurities built within that make me think every now and then that I may not be the good teacher that future kids deserve. I tend to think in my past quite frequently and when some kids are mean and I get sensitive I feel like I go back to what I used to be when I was a child. However, now I am an adult so it also touches my ego which it turns into defence mode attitude, rather than thinking that they are kids and still learning how the others may feel with the comments that they make.

Very often, due to my own experiences, whenever I realise that a child may be suffering personal problems I give extra attention to those, trying to help them out more with their tasks as well as offering hugs and smiles as much as I can, therefore those keep trying to get my attention all the time and I have already heard from other kids that I do not love them as much because I do not pay attention to them.

                               

IRRATIONAL BELIEF NUMBER 2:

"The idea that one should be thoroughly competent, adequate and achieving in all possible respects if one is to consider oneself worthwhile"

Alternative given by Ellis:

·         It’s good to be successful when you can. But by trying too hard to succeed—especially if you try to succeed at everything—creates unnecessary stressors. In other words, it’s self-helping to want to succeed, but self-defeating to need to succeed.

In this specific case the need to satisfy the organization needs by trying to get the students to love the language in the given circumstances it is very difficult. You are already trying your best, mixing so many different activities, giving good examples of other who have gotten the skills in order to make your students feel that it is achievable despite the difficulties that the language itself has. It is very important to try to improve as much as you can and you should keep doing it, however, sometimes it can also be far too stressful to keep in that road and realise that perhaps all your given effort has been enough for now till you come up with a better idea in the future and keep doing your good work. Otherwise, you will get to the point where taking part in that game putting yourself under so much pressure will be a game impossible to win.

It is also important to realise that our brain is very well prepared to focus on setbacks; it is very common to focus on another problem once the previous one has been solved.

So how do we get rid of them?

It starts from noticing how useless and harmful these thoughts are. Once you become aware of the negativity that these thought patterns create, it will be much easier to let go of your “problems” once and for all.

STRESSOR

Stressor is the main feeling given in this situation due to the doubts that you create about yourself. As Byron Katie says, “When I argue with reality, I lose, but only 100 per cent of the time.” The quote is very meaningful if you think about it, because every time you are worrying about something constantly you are missing the present, what is going on at the time you are worried is missed and it will never come back. We need to realise that often we are far too accustomed to keep fighting for something that we cannot do anything about and stop the resistance because we may think that fighting will serve us to achieve happiness but it does not. In the end, resistance will just nourish itself and guide you into more fighting which will conclude in more pain.

It is essential to start a closer relationship with the present moment and enjoy it so you can experience harmony.

RESILIENCE

Is the ability to overcome adversity and becoming stronger for next time, the process of adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences. It is part of resiliency to confront the situation and transform the negativity into positive, to minimize the importance of the negative facts that we are facing and realise that is going to be useful to grow as a person. It is vital the way we face those setback and be able to difference what is in our hands and what is not so just a part of it can affect us rather than the whole situation.

A resilient person is someone who:

• Can transform adversity into challenge
• Controls his/her own life
• Have the knowledge about how to cultivate the strength and resistance to stress
• Emphasizes with others
• Can establish realistic goals
• Learns from success as well as from failure
• Has a responsible lifestyle based on reasonable values
• Feels special while helping others to feel special too

I found an activity to find out how resilient you are, hope is going to be helpful:

HOW RESILIENT ARE YOU?

Rate yourself from 1 to 5 (1 = strongly disagree; 5 = strongly agree):

• I’m usually optimistic. I see difficulties as temporary and expect to overcome them.
• Feelings of anger, loss and discouragement don’t last long.
• I can tolerate high levels of ambiguity and uncertainty about situations.
• I adapt quickly to new developments. I’m curious. I ask questions.
• I’m playful. I find the humor in rough situations, and can laugh at myself.
• I learn valuable lessons from my experiences and from the experiences of others.
• I’m good at solving problems. I’m good at making things work well.
• I’m strong and durable. I hold up well during tough times.
• I’ve converted misfortune into good luck and found benefits in bad experiences.

Less than 20: Low Resilience — You may have trouble handling pressure or setbacks, and may feel deeply hurt by any criticism. When things don’t go well, you may feel helpless and without hope. Consider seeking some professional counsel or support in developing your resiliency skills. Connect with others who share your developmental goals.

20–30: Some Resilience — You have some valuable pro-resiliency skills, but also plenty of room for improvement. Strive to strengthen the characteristics you already have and to cultivate the characteristics you lack. You may also wish to seek some outside coaching or support.

30–35: Adequate Resilience — You are a self-motivated learner who recovers well from most challenges. Learning more about resilience, and consciously building your resiliency skills, will empower you to find more joy in life, even in the face of adversity.

35–45: Highly Resilient — You bounce back well from life’s setbacks and can thrive even under pressure. You could be of service to others who are trying to cope better with adversity.